Making a Bar Mitzvah with Less Stress: The 5 Secrets of Savvy Delegators

by Deborah Grayson Riegel

March 16th is my twins’ b’nai mitzvah. That’s 4 days away. And as you know, regardless of whether the big day is a ceremony followed by a buffet brunch (like ours) or a booming blow-out that rivals the Vanity Fair Oscars party, there are a million things that need to get done in advance of it. So when I delegated to my son Jacob the design of the photo montage, which traditionally shows as many friends and family members as you’ve ever taken a picture of, matched with a sentimental and upbeat soundtrack, I was thrilled that he agreed to take it on. Until….

Until I realized that he thought pictures of his twin sister crying or in diapers should be well represented. Until I realized that his tolerance for low-resolution images was much higher than mine. And until I realized that his choice of music was, shall we say, more explicit than mine. I was about to take back the whole project when I remembered one of my own Secrets of Savvy Delegators: “Clarify expectations up front, plan for check-ins, then get out of the way”. In other words, rather than panicking that he wouldn’t do it the way I would do it (which he wouldn’t), I sat him down for an expectations conversation, where we covered a few ground rules: 1) No pictures that embarrass anyone; 2) if you can see pixilation in the photo, shrink it or skip it; and 3) no music with lyrics that would make a grandparent blush. With that start-up information shared, and a schedule of frequent check-ins planned, I put the montage out of my mind so that I could focus my mind on everything else I couldn’t delegate.

Here are four other secrets of savvy delegators:

1. Delegate to the right person when the stakes are high. While many folks are more focused on the “bar”, we are more focused on the “mitzvah”. So while the party playlist might not be perfect or the decorations may not be sophisticated, getting the service as right as we could in terms of both accuracy and intimacy was critical for us. What this means is that we delegated the design of the service and the preparation of our children to one of our closest, most trusted friends – who also happens to be a rabbi. Anyone can be in charge of the balloons, but not anyone could be in charge of helping our kids’ embrace this day as a milestone, and helping us have the event feel special and sacred.
2. Distinguish between responsibility and accountability when delegating. Even as much as we trust our rabbi and friend to deliver on his responsibilities, we are still accountable for making sure that the kids do their preparation. We are still accountable for making sure that the service is inclusive. And we are certainly accountable for making sure that our children’s interest in and commitment to leading a life of good deeds and loving behavior towards others and a belief in something lasts beyond 13 years old. None of those things can be delegated. 
3. Stop seeking positive reinforcement for being overwhelmed. “Deb, how are you guys DOING with everything going on?” has been the topic of most chats with my friends and family over the last few months. And while I appreciate the recognition that this is a crazy time for us, I am actively avoiding the desire to seem busier than I actually am. Yes, it is very tempting to play the burdened victim here, and hope that people would send me certificates for Massage Envy and some take-out dinners, but that’s not the truth, nor is it the message I want to send. Yes, it is a lot to do. But my husband has taken on a huge number of tasks, and our kids are carrying their weight. So I am very clear in letting people know that it is major AND manageable. And that I am important but not indispensable. 
4. Don’t give away all the fun stuff. Delegation is supposed to make your life and work easier, not harder. It kept my motivation up throughout the boring parts (like planning the seating arrangements – a task I couldn’t delegate but one that aged me by several years) to know that I got to pick the menu because I really, truly care about the food. Nobody was taking that off my plate, so to speak. So there will be bagels and lox and baked ziti and macaroni and cheese and rainbow cookies and…and….yum. How do you know that there’s something you should keep for yourself? When someone says to you, “I can do that for you,” and you think to yourself, “Nope – that’s mine.” Which is probably what I’ll say about anyone who tries to touch my rainbow cookie!

So whether you are planning next quarter’s business activities, your company’s annual staff retreat or a major family milestone, use the Secrets of Savvy Delegators to make your next project feel doable rather than dramatic.

Want to learn more savvy delegation secrets to help you manage your team, your work and your life? Join me for a one hour Virtual Presentation, “Delegate without Drama” this month, and 10 other topics throughout the year! Register here: www.myjewishcoach.com/webinar.html

#HanukahFAIL

By Donna Schwartz

Twas the 8th night of Hanukah and I looked at my menorah and realized something was missing from this holiday. I lit the menorah each night, check. I said all the prayers, check. I sent some gifts to my youngest family members, check. So what was missing? I was cooking dinner and I realized there was a lack of latkes this holiday season. Every year I complain about the amount of fat, oil, and yummy fried potatoes I eat but not one has crossed my lips this year. I wish I could say it’s because I’m on a diet and have lost a few pounds but no that holiday weight creep has already found me thanks to a brownie recipe I made from Pinterest. I had a moment of deja vu back to Erev Yom Kippur when I was sitting in synagogue thinking about what life was going to be like in the upcoming year with my new career. I was prepared for challenges but what came to my mind I wasn't prepared for.

It dawned on me that my job as a non-profit Jewish professional afforded me a level of engagement in my religion that was easy and comfortable. Over the past 20 years, I never once thought about things like what will I do for Sukkot, Yom Ha'atzmaut, or Hanukah. My Jewish identity was wrapped up in my job. I was fully engaged in Jewish culture through activities, holiday observances and weekly kabbalat Shabbat at our JCC. I lived and worked in the Jewish world but only attended synagogue on occasion. I felt fully engaged and full from all the latkes!

As I sat there thinking, the Rabbi began his sermon. I was fully expecting the usual ask for money, political speech or why we need to be behind Israel sermon. It was not any of those things. To my surprise, he began speaking about engagement at the synagogue. My first thought was “Ok, this is weird!” My second thought led me to start thinking about “now what?” I no longer work at a JCC and will have to actually “work” at finding ways to be engaged in Jewish life. I realized this is actually what most Jews have to do and shouldn’t be that difficult. Right? Wrong!

There’s a lot competing for my time. Now that it’s not my job to be at the Havdallah Hayride or Chanukah Choopla, will I make the effort I wondered?

Rabbi Robinson said it beautifully. “You want to be here, you want to make a connection. You’re good at connecting with others—you have a circle of friends and loved ones, and have no trouble schmoozing in your given circle. But when you come here, you’re alone, and miserable. Not because someone treated you explicitly poorly, and not because you’re not committed to the idea of being a part of the synagogue—you’re here, after all. But there’s a lack of engagement, a lack of comfort, a lack of connection. So you come, you have some chitchat, and you leave disappointed rather than renewed.” It was like he was talking directly to me. So where do I belong? I’m an intermarried gay Jew with no children. If you have a group that fits that description, please call me, I’d love to hear from you! I’ve read a lot of the articles written about the Pew study and all I keep thinking is “I am the Pew Study results”. I’m intermarried and my Judaism is based more on culture than in religion. Since I have no children, I don’t need the synagogue for Hebrew school. So why should I join? I’m not my parent’s generation who believed that we as Jews should belong just to belong. I believe it’s important to be involved but I’m not going to join just to say I’m a member.

Hanukah was my first Jewish holiday not working at a Jewish organization and I had so many opportunities to engage or even make latkes at home (Oy, the smell of oil is too much for me to deal with) but I didn’t. I realize now that I’m going to have to make a serious commitment to myself to engage in the community where it once was just easy and frankly part of my job. I’m calling this a HanukahFail but only temporarily as I know my next opportunity to engage comes every Shabbat.

Camp isn't Just for Campers Part 2: Saying Goodbye to Camp

First Day of Camp

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by Donna Schwartz

My last last day of camp was approaching and tears welled up in my eyes every time I thought about saying goodbye to the part of my job that I’ve loved the most. What brought me to this moment? Several months ago, I resigned from my position as the Associate Executive Director at the Siegel JCC in Wilmington, DE. I had been with the agency for almost 12 years and I was ready for a change. Knowing that it would it be a a hard transition for everyone (including myself), I gave four months’ notice.

But as it turned out, the hard part was even harder than I had anticipated.

Part of my job this summer was to help our Interim Camp Director have a successful summer. “No problem” I smirked, as I thought to myself, "I’ll spend the summer outside at camp, play and have fun! I can do that." And that I did. But what I didn't realize was how hard my last, last day of camp would be. The reason I got into the Jewish Communal field was to be a Camp Director so the idea of never being part of camp again was truly the end of an era. In my role as the  Associate Executive Director of my JCC, I was never far from campers singing and cheering, and I could always take a break from what I was doing to go play outside.  This was fate though --  my last summer at the JCC --  and I got to do what I got into this field to do one last time.

As my last week approached,  I thought "what about this am I going to miss the most?" Here is my list:

10. Screaming “Boker Tov Camp!” to all of camp and, in unison, them screaming back “Boker Tov Donna!”

9. Watching a camper pass the deep water test on her last day of camp when she could barely swim on the first day of camp.

8. The amount of enthusiasm campers and counselors have for their team colors during the Maccabi Games.

7. Bringing Israelis to our camp and letting them show campers how amazing Israel is.

6. Watching a group of 11 year old boys not only accept but totally incorporate a boy with Down syndrome into their group.

5. Campers and counselors who will do anything to win the Ruach Stick for the week.

4. All of camp singing the Hatikvah

3. Watching scared campers cry on the first day of camp knowing that 8 weeks from now they will be crying on the last day of camp because they don't want it to end!

2. Hiring counselors who were your campers since Preschool and them being the most amazing staff.

1. Friday afternoon at Shabbat watching the whole camp saying the prayers over candles, wine, and challah and singing Bim Bom.

On Monday morning of my last week of camp, I declared to everyone that I was going to enjoy every moment and fully embrace the last week of camp craziness. In years past, the last week has always been so hectic and I often said "I don't have time to participate in (fill in the blank)".  But I was determined to make this year different as I knew there would not be another opportunity like this. Below is just a sampling of the fun that occurs at Camp JCC on the last week of camp.

Campers pay to Pie the Counselors in the face.  All proceeds go to our Camp Scholarship Fund.

 

We dig a Mud Pit for the Maccabi Games final relay

Shaving Cream Fight on the last day of camp: a Camp JCC tradition!

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I'm a true believer in fate -- and this summer was fate.  Ok, well maybe I should thank Jeremy, the previous camp director who moved to Memphis to be the Program Director (thanks Jeremy!) but either way I can't imagine ending my 20 year career in the JCC field any other way.  

My new job as a consultant and a trainer will allow me to still be a part of camp by training staff and consulting on best practices but I'm not sure that will ever include getting into a Mud Pit or having a shaving cream fight.  But hey you never know!  Either way, I will always have my last, last week memories to hold onto.

When Are We Home?

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By Orit Ramler Szulik

“Home is the place that goes where you go, yet it welcomes you upon return. Like a dog overjoyed at the door. We’ve missed you is what you hear, no matter how long you’ve been gone” - Michael J Rosen

In my last blog I shared that “I lived in seven different countries and felt at home in each one of

them”. Many of you followed up by asking me, how is that possible. That question triggered a conversation with my daughter, about “which one is really home?".

Once again, like with most questions in life, there is no simple answer. To this day, when people ask me “where are you from?” my answer is not a straight-forward one. Instead, I always feel the need to share a short story in response. “I was born in Israel, but I lived in seven different countries, mostly in Argentina, where my parents, my husband and children are from, and now I’m from Durham, NC”, and then I have an urge to add "I’m a citizen of the world”.   Oy!  So, where IS home?

Let’s start with question #1, how is it possible to make every place home? Well, I need to give credit to my parents for that!

-  To start, they always made me feel we were on a mission. It wasn’t about an unstable life, but a life with a purpose. We were moving for my dad’s job and we all had a share in that job. My dad worked for the Israeli Foreign Ministry and I always was a little ambassador for my country. The purpose was to bring with me my homeland and share it with my new home until I can share it with another home, and then another... and at the end we all learn that we are part of one big home.

-  They always taught me that I was part of a community that was all over the world, and being part of that community gave me a sense of belonging, wherever that community was. I can’t remember having arrived to any country and not being invited that first Friday to a family Shabbat dinner with the same prayers, tastes, and traditions we had at home.

-  They also made me believe  - and I still do!-  that there were always friends waiting to meet me in other places. I cried for a week saying goodbye to my friends, but I was also excited to go and meet those who were waiting for me. Coming into a new school it gave me all the confidence I needed to make new friends  “who were waiting for me” -- something I carry with me even today.

-   And finally, my parents would recreate my environment as if every place was the final destination, not a transition. It wasn’t about “we will live here only for two years”, but it was about “this is home now”. Believe me, it worked!

My husband always reminds me, it has to do with my personality. But more than that, it has to do with my choice of how I want to live. I could cry for what I am leaving behind, or I could choose to believe that what I have I can still have anywhere I go, and what was there for me will still be there even if I move.

Now to question #2, which one is really home? That’s a more philosophical question.  At this point “home” is larger than a country for me. Yes, Home is the country I was born in, no doubt about it, even if I left at a young age and even if when I visit (visit home?) I feel a stranger in many ways- from my accent to the way of living.  But I belong there, and belonging is home. Home is being with my childhood friends wherever they are around the globe every time I see them. Home is always when I’m with family who is also happened to be spread out around the world. Home is when I taste that food from that country where I used to live.  Home is listening to the languages I was born into. Home is listening to the songs I grew up with. Home is my parents. Home is being with my husband and my kids even if it is in a hotel room. Home is my house no matter where it is.  As Rabbetzin Twerski wrote “home has nothing to do with bricks and mortar and furnishing, it has everything to do with the spirit which fills it”.

There is a famous song in Spanish, “No soy de aqui, ni soy de alla.” which means “I’m neither from here nor from there”, but I'd rather sing it  “I’m from here and I’m from there”.

Home is a feeling, not a place. To me “home” is a state of mind, not always a single  place but many places. Home is a place that goes where I go.

Camp isn't just about the campers!

 by Donna Schwartz

Jessica & Eden back in the day

About a month ago I boarded a plane from Philly to Ft. Lauderdale excited to be going to a wedding of a close friend. Close is probably an understatement. See I met this beautiful young lady when she was five and I was 15. It was the summer before my sophomore year in high school and she was in my very first camp group at Camp Maccabee. I was a young Junior counselor and she was a nervous first time camper.  I immediately connected with her and the entire group of 5 year old girls. I remember getting paid something like $300 for the entire summer but it didn't matter, I was having a blast.  One day at pick-up the camper's mom asked if I babysat as they were new to the area and were looking for someone to watch their 2 & 5 year old on an occasional  Saturday night.  Since my summer wage of $1.35 an hour wasn't cutting it, babysitting seemed like a good way to supplement my income. What happened next changed my life.  I met the entire family and fell in love. This family of 4 became my adopted family. They treated me as if I was their 3rd daughter and I loved them for it. Fast forward a lot of years, I'm still really close with this family.

All of us at Jessica's Rehearsal Dinner

As I reminisced with all of her friends at the wedding each one of them told me how many memories they have from those years at camp and they were surprised to hear how much I remembered as well.

As camp directors, we look at a variety of factors when matching counselors with groups: Personality, age, compatibility with co-counselor, etc.  I'm sure Pattie, the camp director back then never thought "hey let's put Donna with this group of 5 year old girls so that she can make a family friend for a lifetime."


We always talk about all the reasons why children should go to camp but I think we should be talking about why teens should work at a camp also. There's nothing like the friendships we make during the hot summer days.  The bonding that happens while singing silly songs and covering yourself in paint to signify your loyalty to your color war team is unmatched by any other work experience.  As camp directors it's our job to teach young staff how to be a good employee. We teach them responsibility and work ethic.  For so many young teens this is their first employment opportunity and the things we teach them will be with them for a lifetime. A teen who is willing to work very hard in the hot sun with campers hanging all over them while ensuring their safety will make a great employee in the future. You're welcome big corporations of the world!

Most camps around the country are starting this week. Welcoming campers and getting ready to make memories of a lifetime. Take some time to get to know who is spending the next 8 weeks with your child, you never know if they'll be part of your family for the next 20 years.

The Chicken or the Egg

By Jane Stein

So, which comes first: the money or the mission?  “Why, the mission of course” you answer ever so confidently.  

But are you sure?

Let’s think about this.  How many of you have had a really, really, really good idea for a new program, project or maybe even a whole new nonprofit organization?  I see a few hands going up back there in the audience.  Good for you: idea first.  And then what happened?

Maybe you went to the Board of your JCC or Federation.  Maybe you went to the program chair, the executive director, your puppy.  And what was said to you in response to your really, really, really good idea?? (Woof does not count here)  Great idea! Go find the money and we will move right ahead with it.

What happened next?  My guess is that you stuffed that really, really, really good idea right back into your brain and said something to yourself like “I will do that just as soon as I win the Lottery”.  And you might have even gone out and bought three lottery tickets to insure that you would be able to implement your really, really, good idea.

I work with a lot of nonprofit organizations, both Jewish and non-Jewish.  And I hear a lot of really, really, really good ideas.  I teach classes on building and running nonprofit organizations and I hear a lot of really, really, really good ideas.  And I always say, “What a really, really, really good idea!  How are you going to pay for that?” Now I have many students who say to me “my idea is soooo good that G-d will provide” and we will be up and running very soon.

And to them -- and to everyone else -- and to you, too -- I say “NO MONEY – NO MISSION!”

Raising money, most folks say, is NOT EASY.  I think that is because those same folks are thinking “Let’s do a wallk/run” or “Let’s do a big gala” or my personal favorite “Let’s do a golf tournament”.  And believe you me, this is NOT the way to get that really, really, really good idea funded.  Special events fund raising is time consuming (how many of you have spent 21 ½ hours stuffing goodie bags?), volunteer draining (did you know it takes approximately 932 volunteers to run a run?), dependent on the weather (did I tell you the one about the monsoon over Virginia Beach during our Great Dig for Cystic Fibrosis?), your region’s calendar of special events (I know you checked to see what was happening in the Jewish world that day, but did you know that the Foodbank, Habitat for Humanity, Special Olympics and the American Cancer Society were all holding events that day?  Didn’t think so.  Did you know that it is really, really, really hard to raise money for a special event if you have no major sponsors to cover the expenses and all of your participants are participating somewhere else? (But more about the raising of major sponsors in a later blog)

It is really, really, really quite simple.  The best way to get your really, really, really good idea to become a reality is to begin at the beginning and start to build some really, really, really good relationships with the folks in your community who have three attributes: 1 – a philanthropic soul, 2 – the money to do something with that philanthropic soul and 3 – a wonderful group of friends/acquaintances/business buddies who love and trust them.  And that is where the money for your mission will best be found.

So, next time you have a really, really, really good idea, read my blogs! Because over the next few months they are going to be full of ways to raise money without the worries, stress, aggravation or hassle, or as we would say in Yiddish, all the tsuris!

Taking A Risk

By Donna Schwartz

New Year's Day 2013 approached and as usual I took a look back at 2012 and imagined what 2013 had in store for me. I still make new year's resolutions but I've learned to refine them over the years. Gone are the days that I resolve to lose a ton of weight or just be a better person. Now my resolutions are concrete and a bit more measurable. This year, I had resolved to do 3 things: 1. Cook more, 2. Write more, and 3. Get out of my comfort zone more. Ok, so two were highly measurable and the third well not so much.

It's almost 6 months into 2013 and I can say I've managed to check off all 3. Cooking was easy especially after I announced this to my spouse who promptly held me accountable and used it to her advantage at dinner time. The other two were going to take some thought and diligence on my part.

Several months ago, a poster arrived on my desk for approval. The poster was for an open casting call for a show called "Listen To Your Mother." Listen To Your Mother is a national series of live readings by local writers in celebration of Mother's Day in 24 cities across the country.  I promptly put my initials on it and hung it on our community board. Everyday, I walked past that sign and it would catch my attention. It stared at me, taunted me, and called to me. I tried to put it out of my mind but I couldn't. For those of you following along on this blog you know that I don't share my personal life all that often and this certainly would entail doing so. After a month of kicking the idea around, I decided to just try and write something and see where it went. I was sitting in my doctor's office, whipped out my iPhone and started typing away. The story spewed out of me like hot lava. An hour later with tears streaming down my face (thankfully I was already brought back to a room) but I had written my story. That as I would later find out be the easy part.

I sat on the story for over a month and not once did I say anything to anyone. Finally, the night before the deadline, I sent an email to the director. I pressed send with my eyes closed and my heart racing. Still not the scariest part! The director promptly emailed me back with a time slot, Sunday at 4pm. Somewhat relieved that I would be in Florida during the auditions and couldn't make it. Oh well! It wasn't meant to be! Not so fast, the director replied and said she had a few people that couldn't make it that day and could I make it on Tuesday. Tuesday came and I auditioned for the show. I was nervous not necessarily about the audition but more because what if I actually got picked? A couple hours later, the phone call came, my story was picked to be one of fifteen stories to be shared on Mother's Day.

Rehearsals came and an amazing group of women formed a bond over sharing their very personal stories of being a mother or about their mother. This was way out of my comfort zone but every step of the way the cast, my co-workers and family all supported me in this very scary endeavor. The evening of the performance a weird calmness calm over me and all the nerves just disappeared. The show was a rollercoaster of emotional stories told from various points of view and from as diverse a group of women. The scariest part for me was facing the sold out audience (many whom I knew) after the show and after revealing a very personal story regarding my mother's untimely death.

Here's what I learned from this experience:

1. Support is all around but you have to be willing to ask for it and then accept it.

2. Doing things that are scary is not only good for you but makes you stronger.

3. Writing is a process. It takes patience, nurturing and commitment.

4. Going outside your comfort zone can lead to amazing new friendships and an experience that will stay with you for a lifetime!

Now I have 6 months to sit back and think about my resolutions for 2014. Challenge yourself to do something outside your comfort zone. I promise you won't regret it.

7 Lessons from My Plumbler

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by Orit  Ramler Szulik

"What did I learn today?" I ask myself every night before getting lost in a dream.  I try to set myself into a learning mode every single day, open to learn from everyone and everything, and to be aware of what I'm learning.  My latest lesson came from my plumber.

On the first hour of the first day of what already promised to be a  hectic week, water was coming down from under the kitchen sink, flooding the house - well, that might be an exaggeration on my part, but there was definitely a big pond! It is exactly one of the last things you want to see when you wake up in the morning ready for a busy day. Desperate is how I felt.

I tried to cut the water flow, without success, but thankfully my husband did.  We had no other choice than to call a plumber (for me and for many reasons it felt as painful as calling the dentist!) and I went ahead and canceled all my meetings for that day.

Mr. Plumber arrived with a nice smile on his face and approached the area of disaster very calmly, almost ignoring my anxiety. As soon as I sensed his attitude, I realized that things were under control. From there on, everything turned into a lesson:

1.  No matter how big the leak is, the attitude we bring into the issue matters! When we are faced with a crisis, we can become the first part of the solution or the problem. If the plumber had walked into my house with the same anxiety I was having, I wouldn't have trusted his ability to solve the problem and he would have become part of the problem himself. As soon as I saw him and because of his attitude, I started to think with more clarity  
2.   Any leak can be viewed differently: perspective, perspective, perspective! A flood to me was just a small incident for the plumber. The pond looked "terrible" to me - I was already imagining my house flooded and everything destroyed. In reality, the problem was small and easy to fix, just by replacing a tiny inexpensive part.
3. A leak starts small before it turns into a pond, so pay attention to the first sign of "alarm" and take quick action! I must confess that I knew about a leak for a while, but I chose to ignore it and instead convinced myself that it was "nothing".  Had I handled the problem as soon as it started, I wouldn't have needed a plumber on such short notice. I could then have planned for it with enough time on my schedule, avoid canceling commitments, pay a more reasonable fee, and not experience this desperation.
4. Be prepared to cut the water supply in case of a leak - know your stuff! This is true for the water but also metaphorically. Be prepared and courageous enough to stop a problem before it grows bigger.
5. Water leaks require a plumber or handy man - expertise matters! It is ok not to know something, and to call the expert to provide his perspective and skills. Confession number 2: I put some ducting tape when I realized the leak was not stopping, and then hoped for the problem to be solved. What do I know about plumbing? Nothing!
6. A leak can originate in many places, and the problem is not always what we think it is!  I kept looking at what I believed was the root cause of the leak, but because of that I didn't pay attention to something else that could have been obvious too.
7. A plumber can teach a coach life lessons. Identify your teachers and become one! The plumber came in, did his job and left. He didn't think of himself as a teacher and yet he was giving me a life lesson. Next time, I will make sure I appreciate my "teacher", and by doing that try to be a teacher and a learner myself.

The week ended up being less hectic than expected, even after this incident...on Friday, there was a perfectly shaped rainbow in the sky. The rainbow taught me that where there is water there can also be sun and something beautiful can happen.

As it turns out, we can always learn a lesson and make our lives a more interesting journey, even when it all starts with a tiny drop that becomes a pond.

Lessons from a Visit at the Children's Museum

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by Noa Peri-Jensch

I’m writing this blog for all the people who have survived.

Survived what? Survived whatever was difficult for you to handle.

A couple of weeks ago I took my daughters to the new children’s museum in our town. We walked around and enjoyed a beautiful exhibition about George Washington. My daughter pointed out a quote on the wall by GW saying   “I had found bullets through my coat and two horses shot under me, and yet escaped unhurt.” General Washington wrote this in a letter to his brother after the battle in Pennsylvania.

Has it ever occurred to you that no matter what you have faced in your life; the hardships, the difficulties, the setbacks, here you are alive reading my blog and realizing that you have survived – hopefully without permanent damage.

As many of us take our daily vitamins to strengthen our bodies and immune system, we should take an opportunity each day to remember the events and experiences that have strengthened our spirits and have helped us become the people we are today.

As we look back, here are a couple of questions to consider:

1) What were the events in my life that had taught me the greatest lessons?

            As for me, thankfully I’ve never had bullets through my coat, but I sure had my share of heartbreak from broken promises, betrayal, as well as being rejected, failing and disappointing others. And yet, after each fall, I got back up equipped with a new lesson about people, life, and most importantly, about myself.

2)  How come I’m still here? Why me?

            Often times when things don’t go the way we expect, we ask “why me?” or “why does this have to happen to me?” What if we ask these questions when the good things happen? “How did I get to be so lucky to have this career? This family? These relationships in my life?” I must have done something right. What is that “something right”? Let us be reminded by the special qualities we possess, the luck we’ve had and the blessings we have experienced.

3)  What’s the bigger picture?

            It is so easy to get caught up with the little annoyances of life but the only thing that can sometimes get me through is looking at the bigger picture. What is the meaning behind all of this? How come I have escaped, unhurt? There must be a very good reason for me to have survived this...and this is where our purpose in life unveils itself. We each have one. Some have found it and others are still searching. George Washington knew that his purpose was to selflessly serve his country. My purpose is to help others be successful in personal life and career.  What is yours?

           

There Once was a Little Old Lady

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By Jane Stein

There once was a little old lady from Minsk…or was it Pinsk…or Krakow or Lodz or Timisoara…and I took her picture.

But wait a minute…let me back up and tell you the story.  Once upon a time I travelled a lot…and all of my travel was to visit the Jews of Eastern Europe…what so many of you called the “remnants of the Holocaust.”   I was very blessed in that I had the opportunity to travel with either the Joint Distribution Committee (JDC) or with the Jewish Federations of North America (then called UJA or the United Jewish Communities depending on just how far back we are going here).  The other night when I was sitting at a very, very boring speaker I was trying to count just how many of these places I actually visited. (OK, I smiled at the speaker and looked focused and engaged, honest.)  I came up with something like twenty to twenty five visits… seven of those were just one four day trip to Romania with my husband and Zvi Feine of the JDC where we stopped to meet with the “Jewish Community Leadership Board” in each and every shtetlach from Timisoara up to Bucharest. 

And everywhere I went, I took pictures of the beautiful people that I met.  Now some of you are too young to remember the days of something called “film”.  It was this stuff that was in your camera (another foreign concept to many of you) and when you filled up a “roll” of this stuff, you took it to a magical place where the round roll was turned into pictures on paper, and they were almost always in duplicate.  Then you took these pictures home and, if you were as well organized as I was, you tossed them into a drawer.  And if you travelled as much as I did and you took as many pictures as I did and you got duplicate copies as I did and you ended up with lots and lots of drawers of lots and lots of pictures!  Get the picture?

All of this was just fine, unless one day you are asked to write an article about your years of work with the JDC and the Jewish Federations of North America.  And of course since we all know that the facts of our stories from these visits are really best represented by the faces of the people we have met, you need a picture.

And that is where my trouble began.  I opened the first drawer and there were pictures, lots of pictures, all with no names, dates, and worse of all NO PLACES.  I went to the second drawer.  Same thing.  And the third drawer…again…no identifying information.  And everyone looked the same!!  Grey hair ever so neatly combed, lovely small smile, sparkling eyes.   I panicked….how was I going to tell my story without a picture???  And I couldn’t possibly write the first word of my article until I had overcome this miserable feeling of panic.

So, I did what I often do in times of crises?  Yelled at myself, cried, threw things.  And then went for a long walk.   And since the weather was a perfect sunny 60 degrees, within one block I had my epiphany: it absolutely did not matter that I could not tell one face from the other…that I had no idea which lovely woman was from which shtetl, because the point of the story was not that one specific woman, but the fact that she existed at all and that we, the organized world Jewish community, had made her life in this, the 21^st Century not only possible, but filled with joy.

And so I went back to my computer and began to type away, telling the story of the amazing Jewish communities of Romania, Hungary, Poland, what was once Czechoslovakia, Yugoslavia, the Former Soviet Union.  I wrote about how each town has (no matter how teeny tiny that town might be) a cultural center, education programs, Gans, Chesed Avrahams (the JDC version of Jewish Family Service), young leadership programs.  All of the things that make up a Jewish community, even the politics and the grown ups telling the young folks “you can’t do that -- we tried it and it didn’t work”  Honest, I heard it for myself from the Young Adult Division of the Warsaw Jewish Community!!!. And while I am on that topic, a Young Adult Division of the Warsaw Jewish Community??  Who would have believed that would ever, ever, ever be possible back a mere twenty years ago?

And I scanned a picture into the article.  It was a picture of a woman, grey hair ever so neatly combed, lovely small smile, sparkling eyes, and I typed “The Beginning” and hit send.

Split Personality: Are you different at work vs at home?

By Donna Schwartz

I stood in front of the mirror sweating in a 105 degree Yoga studio. It's the same spot I stand in everyday but today I noticed something different about this spot. The mirror split my body right down the center. I had stood their countless other times but today for some reason I noticed it and it struck me as odd. I'm not sure if the heat was getting to me or the Buddhist motivation the teacher was dishing out but either way I became very philosophical at that moment. My body was split and I realized that I often feel like two different people.

My personality like so many others is split between home and work.  Work Donna and Home Donna are complete opposites as my spouse often reminds me. Work Donna is decisive, outgoing, a multitasker, budget conscious, a tireless go-getter and extremely private. Home Donna is quiet, wishy-washy and for lack of a better term often lazy. The two never meet except on a very rare occasion and everyone notices it quickly. My spouse first recognizes the voice. Apparently, work Donna's voice is much different than home Donna. My co-workers notice it when I'm indecisive or share some personal anecdote from home. Both my colleagues and my spouse are quick to point out when the other half of me shows up in the wrong place for good or bad.

After doing a bit of research, I've found that I'm not alone (phew!)  Many people feel their personalities are completely different at work and home. There seems to be multiple reasons for this phenomenon.  For those people in a high powered or stressful job, they may need to recharge when they get home. The same is true if you are an extrovert at work.  Even the most extroverted people, need some downtime. Sometimes, the reason we get a job or are successful in a career is because of our personality characteristic.  For those of us, that work in a non-profit, we know that multitasking is a trait that has to be honed and sharpened and without it we would fail miserably at our jobs.  We are no longer specialists in one area but a jack-of-all-trades in many. Although there is a lot to do at home, my to-do list is more of a checklist than a barrage of people coming at me with needs and wants.  I recognize I don’t have children and I’m sure every mom reading this is shaking her head.

Take a test like the Myers Brigg two times, once in the frame of reference as you are at home and once as you are at work.  Take a look at the differences and examine what the differences are and ask yourself are they working for you at this time in your life and career?  If you’re really daring, take it to your colleagues and family and see if they agree with how you see yourself.  There’s a lot to be learned from what each of them say.  

My goal next week when I stand in front of that mirror in the Yoga studio is to not see a body divided but to see different parts of me that work together to make a better human being.

Are you different at work and at home?  Let me know in the comments below.

How to Stand up to Bullies at Work (Even if the Bully is your Boss!)

By Noa Peri-Jensch

Growing up in Israel, I recall standing silently and watching a kid in my class whose skin color was darker, being teased by other kids for being “stinky”. Yes, in Israel, the country where thousands of Jews from all over the world who endured the Holocaust and anti-semitic horror and were called “dirty” “evil” and “pigs”, were now having their grandchildren face a similar feeling of being outcasts in the Promised Land.

They say that kids can be cruel…but unfortunately, these kids also grow up. Those who don’t learn these critical life lessons later enter the workforce with the same mindset that it is ok to treat others poorly.

I am not proud of being silent in my early school days but I have learned a great deal about standing up to bullies whenever I meet them, and teach my children to do the same...even if the stakes are high.

I am inspired by Elie Wiesel who said “I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim.  Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”

So who is a bully? Anyone who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker.

In the workforce, most bullies don’t consider themselves bullies. They may call themselves “very passionate” or “results-oriented at all costs” or “my way or the highway” type managers. In reality they manage by fear, creating a work environment where people have to first look at the boss’s face in the morning, in order to know what kind of day they are about to have…

Bullies are not just the bosses, they can be our customers too. An outrageously upset customer ready to bite our heads off for a mistake that is out of our control and threaten that if we don’t fix it immediately they will have us fired. They can be our colleagues who send a nasty email and cc the entire office just to humiliate us, or post a comment on Facebook that makes us look bad.

They can be affluent board members with great intentions but poor people skills and they can also be our employees who hold a grudge over a decision we’ve made and want us to feel their pain in any possible way.

Let me be clear. Complaining is not the problem (on the contrary: constructive criticism helps us improve our performance). Being results-focused is not the problem either (after all we are a business),  It is how we talk to others and how we release frustration might be the border line to being a bully. Just like we teach our children: if you keep quiet, hoping this will go away by itself or over time, the bullies win!

So here are a few ideas that you might want to try out, the next time you are facing a situation where you feel you or others have been mistreated by a workplace bully:

1)  Face your fear. You are not a child anymore and are able to protect yourself and others.  You are stronger than you think and a person of character. Like Viktor Frankl said “everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” So the very first thing to do is..choose to act!

2)  Face the beast. I believe that we should always try first to deal with the situation one on one. Have a chat with the bully and tell him/her how their behavior impacts you or others. Yes..even if that person is your boss. Often times, they are unaware of the impact they have over people. Always use specific behaviors and be detailed. For example “At the meeting yesterday, when you called me a loser in front of everyone -- this is a behavior I will not tolerate..and frankly I don’t think you would either…”  or “I thought Sally was deeply hurt when you raised your voice in an unprofessional way and yelled at her for not doing her job right. I must admit to you this behavior made you look as if you are losing control”.

3)  Focus on resolutions. Find out what are the triggers that make the bully blow off steam and plan a strategy for dealing with them.

4)  Find resources. Should the above not help, make sure to keep records of the bullying, document time and events and report it to the HR corporate offices.  Most companies will take your complaint very seriously and will deal with the bully immediately. I’ve known luxury hotels who have asked paying customers to leave property because of bad temper or treating their own staff unprofessionally.

5)  Have compassion. Understand that some bullies were themselves victims of being treated poorly by their own families, environment or previous bosses. If you choose to act from a compassionate place, they might respond back positively.

6)  Understand that others might simply be mean. They were mean back at school, and they are mean now in the workplace...often times these people are highly insecure about themselves. Praise yourself for seeing through that and appreciate the good foundation and confidence that you received from your own family and upbringing.

7) Take a deep breath. A really deep breath. All the way down to your core to allow some time     before you act. Be strategic about your plan: two negatives don’t make a positive.

8) Find another job. If you have tried everything and nothing seems to help (ex. when the owner or founder is the bully and refuses to change), then know that you’ve done your best and there is no reason for you to spend the rest of your career putting up with this. There are plenty other places that would welcome you and treat you professionally.

Lastly, remember this “There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest.” by Elie Wiesel.