Monday, September 22, 2014

It’s So Much More than the Apples and Honey!

by Orit Ramler Szulik

Rabbi Zalman Blooming called me inviting me to facilitate a conversation with students at a Chabad Shabbat dinner. The topic: setting goals now that Rosh Ha Shanah is around the corner. His call was like the sound of the shofar, a penetrating wake up call!  What’s better than a wake up call before the High Holidays?

After I hung up the phone, I realized that I was dormant going through life and didn’t even stop for a minute to savor what the holidays are all about.  Yes, I was already planning the meals I need to cook, the clothes I will wear, the greetings I will send, the increased security that unfortunately I hope to encounter in every synagogue, the people I will see that I only see for this occasion, the people who sadly left us that I will miss in services, the schedule for walking my dog while we are in Shul, the rescheduling of clients due to the days I won’t work, the first holidays with my kids away from home… I was thinking about so many things but none of them are really about the core of Rosh Ha Shanah and Yom Kippur.

The Rabbi’s call, just as a call from a life coach, focused me right back on target when he greeted me saying “Shanah Tovah Orit”.  The Rabbi’s words brought the apples and honey closer, and provoked the craving for the round sweet challah. Suddenly I understood that it is that time of the year again, when we look deep inside to learn from the year that we are leaving behind, and the time to set goals that will elevate us in so many ways to become better.  A better partner, a better mom or dad to someone, a better neighbor, a better family member, a better friend, a better student, a better co-worker, a better citizen and a better (fill in the blanks), mainly a better version of ourselves and a better human being overall. 


Cheshbon hanefesh,  “an accounting of the soul”, as my husband wisely reminded me when I was telling him about the Rabbi’s call, is what we are invited to do at this time of the year.  How do we do it?  We start by immersing ourselves in a period of introspection, repentance, and reexamining our priorities – Heaven for life coaches!  Today I found myself thinking of where I am and who I am, and setting goals for where and what I want to be a year from now.  My general goal is to become “better” – which to me it means a step further towards fulfillment and living a meaningful life. “Better” to me means ways in which I can make the world a better place and bring fulfillment to the people with whom I interact casually and on a more regular basis.

I invite you to join me and savor the spirit of the High Holidays and the gifts they offer, gifts that go way beyond going to Synagogue or the delicious food that we will be eating soon. Reflect on the past year and the place where you are today.  Write it down. Be honest with yourself. Dream big dreams for yourself. Visualize where you want to be and what you want to be. Expect the best out of you.  Make a plan with small steps, one at a time that will help you get there. Be accountable to yourself, it’s up to you!

My gift to you is a guide of questions that can help you get started with your introspection process. Questions always open doors, and the answers always enlighten.

1) What’s important:  - What’s important to you in life? –What’s the gap between what you are doing and what you love? – How can you narrow the gap? What is working well in your life now?  - What are you living out of your life?  - Why do you think that’s the case?  - What are you putting up with?  - What opportunities did you take up?  -Missed?  - What are the lessons learned? – How do you want to be remembered in life?

2) Life Balance:  - Where are you out of balance?  - If you could do one thing to put balance in your life, what would that be?  - What would you like to have more time to do?  – How are you taking care of your body, soul & mind? Is there anything missing?
  
3) Relationships/community: - What kind of people did you surround yourself with?   - Who contributed to your life? - How? - What, if anything, would you change about your circle of friends/relationships? - Is there a community that is missing in your life? - What was your contribution to your community and your family? - How well did you listen to people? – Who do you have unfinished business with?

4) Change: - What changes are you going through now?  -What changes do you want to make?  - What do you believe will happen if you make those changes?  - What needs to change for you to make those changes? – Are you resisting changes? – Is there another way? – How?

5) Career/Business:  - What fulfilled you in your career/business? – What’s your vision in your career/business?  - Do you have the right resources? –How can you get them? – How can you get from here to there?


6) Moving forward: - What would you repeat from last year?  - What would you do different? – What moving forward looks like to you?  – What’s stopping you? –What’s beyond that obstacle?  – What will support you in your next steps? - What do you need and how you can get it to move you forward? – What will it take for you to start anew, with a fresh perspective?

Rosh Ha Shanah and coaching go hand in hand, and every coaching conversation connects us with what’s important and helps us practice introspection. Now is the time to set priorities, as well as clear and measurable goals. Find a strategy that will work for you and go for it learning from the “obstacles” that are part of life and moving forward remembering that you are not alone, there are many resources available.

Shanah Tovah Umetukah!  May you have a good and sweet year, a year of constant introspection, rich in questions and answers, a year of personal growth, good health and fulfillment. Yes, it is so much more than the apples and honey!

Monday, September 1, 2014

No Kippahs, No Siddurs: Our First September (Ever!) as a Public School Family

by Deborah Grayson Riegel, MSW, PCC, MyJewishCoach.com

Every year for the past three years, our kids' supply list has included three-ring binders, colored dividers, and calculators. This year is no different.

Every year for the past eight years, our kids' backpacks have been filled with index cards, highlighters, pencils and tissue boxes. And this year is no different.

Every year for the past 11 years (since my twins were two), their curriculum has been filled with learning in both Hebrew and English, in both secular and Jewish subjects, and their calendar was blocked off for both national and Jewish holidays. Every year my son Jacob has gone off to the first day of school with a kippah on his head, while my daughter Sophie hoped that she could get away without wearing a skirt for Shabbat on Fridays.

But not this year.

For the first time ever, our kids will be attending public school instead of a Jewish preschool or a day school. The decision was deeply personal and painful -- the kind that kept me and my husband Michael up many nights wondering if this was the right thing for our children and for our family. What made the choice hardest was that we adored our Jewish day school, we loved the families we shared sports teams and Shabbat dinners with, and we felt like we were a part of a Jewish community that was a warm and wonderful fit for our values and interests. And despite all that, when we really, truly thought about what was best and what was next for our two children (just for our two -- not for anybody else's), the answer in our heart of hearts wasn't Jewish day school anymore. It had served our children's and family's needs beautifully…until it didn't. The "why" feels irrelevant. The "now what," however, feels very, very real.

So what's the big deal? Our kids, like millions of others, will attend their local public schools for the next five years. They'll make new friends (as will I, my wise daughter re-assured me), they'll play on new sports teams, they'll have a quicker commute, more local friends, and (to my son's delight) they can take meat for lunch. It will be fine.

But I'm not fine. I mean, I know in my heart and my gut that this was the right decision, but that doesn't mean that I'm not still mourning what we had, and, if I'm being honest, who we were as a Jewish day school family.

What we had was an immediate school community based on shared Jewish values, a collective commitment to putting our money where our morals were, and a hub for social action and the pursuit of justice locally, nationally, in Israel and around the world. What if in our new school all we have in common with the other families is a zip code and complaints about the sanitation department refusing to recycle?  

Who we were was a family that wore its involvement in and commitment to Judaism on its sleeve, across the calendar(s), through its checkbook, in every homework assignment and lunch bag, and more. What if our involvement starts to flag and our commitment begins to wane without the structure that Jewish day school brings?

I recognize the anticipatory anxiety I have now that I didn't have back when we were a Jewish day school family (was it only this past June?) is partially rooted in wanting to know how we will keep our kids Jewishly educated, active, involved and interested. It is also rooted in the admission I've made to myself that making a single monumental choice to send our kids to Jewish day school meant that the parents got to "coast" a little bit Jewishly. It was easy enough for us to say to ourselves, "What else do we need to do here? We're a day school (AND a Jewish summer camp) family. Isn't that enough? Dayenu!"

Well, here we are at the start of a new school year, and a new chapter in our lives as a Jewish family. Who knows what it will bring? I can anticipate a few things, of course: Our children will grumble about  Friday school days that go until 3 pm (even in the winter) and they will need to tell their friends during sleepovers and parties that they can't have the Buffalo wings because they keep kosher. Our children will also be exposed to new subjects and electives that weren't available to them before, due to the time restraints of a dual Hebrew-English curriculum. The parents will need to actively invite both new friends and old for Shabbat dinners, and will commit to putting up a Sukkah (not me - my husband) even if we're one of the few families or only family at their new school who does so. We will all need to find ways to discuss what's happening in Israel on a regular basis, especially since this won't be a daily discussion at school. We will need to blaze a new path for what we do and who we are as a committed Jewish family without the structure and support of being a day school family. We will all need to learn some new ways of Jewish being, doing, thinking, believing and belonging.

It's back to school for all of us. In many more ways than we could have imagined.