Change is Inevitable, Suffering Isn’t: Strategies for Managing Change

By Noa Peri-Jensch

After 35 years of working hard and loving every minute of it, my mother is retiring.

For my mom, this moment came as a surprise. Of course, a part of her brain was aware of this reality but the other part was in a complete denial. 

For some people, work is a paycheck; a means to get the bills paid and live life. For others, work is a sense of purpose; a validation that their existence means something to someone and that by doing their job and living their life purpose...the world is becoming a better place. For my mom, the latter was the case and this is why it felt to her that someone had just turned off the lights in the middle of the show. 

In Israel, we have a perfect example that age has nothing to do with who you are and what you are capable of doing.  Shimon Peres, at age 90 and Israel’s President, is living proof that as long as you feel you have something to contribute to the world, then it is your obligation to do so.

So the question to ask is, why is it so confusing and scary, at times, for people like my mother to retire.  I think the answer lies in our ability to manage change or better yet, manage life transitions.

Transitions as a Journey Across a Bridge

Some of the changes in our lives are by choice and our response to the change is positive. Other changes are being forced on us and our response to them might be negative. Either way we need to realize that we are leaving something behind (if we get married – we leave our single life behind, when we start a family – we leave our freedom and sleep behind, when we lose our jobs – we leave our routine and security behind, when we age – we leave our youth behind and all the possibilities we could have had). That is when the journey starts. It is like crossing a bridge. Sometimes we are excited about the journey, and sometimes we are scared. Sometimes the bridges are short and the view is spectacular and sometimes it is long and foggy and we can’t see what’s on the other side. At times we run fast on the bridge, can’t wait to start the new chapter in our lives and sometimes, we refuse to take a single step, holding on to the railing and keeping looking back to all the things that we left behind.

Harry Woodwards, in his book “Navigating Through Change” has identified four human reactions to change:

·         Confusion – “I’m ok but my whole world is destroyed”

·         Denial – “If I don’t talk about it or think about it – it doesn’t really happen to me”

·         Anger -  “Just as it happened to me, it will happen to you too!”

·         Loss – “Who am I if I am no longer have my career or my identity as a spouse?”

All four reactions have a positive aspect (in moderation) and negative aspects that we must watch out for. We have the ability to recognize the type of reaction that we have, validate our feelings and deal with the difficulties. If we choose to stay “stuck” in any of the reactions – we will never be able to progress in the transitional journey and start a new chapter.

Managing the Road Blocks

Sometimes transitions are difficult because of the things that keep holding us back. My friend and colleague, Myriam Khalifa, had suggested that there could be others areas in our life other than our reaction to change that we should look at, such as: 

·         Others – beliefs and thoughts of people who are close to us. For example, “my parents raised me to always put my family first, before my own needs”.

·         World – circumstances in our life, such as financial crisis, “our mortgage is upside down”, conflicts in the middle east etc.- all that prevent me from leaving the place I am at now.

·         Work/Stay home – logistics around the house, commitments that we have at work/home. For example, “my paycheck is really good, even if I’m unhappy with my job”. Or, “I don’t have time for what I really want to do since I have to be here for my children”.

Sometime we are so bogged down by the roadblocks that we can’t even start thinking of our dreams. Every time we dare to come up with a new idea for ourselves, a roadblock pops in our mind and we soon let go of our dreams. Why not, instead of letting go of our dreams, let go of the roadblocks. This does not mean letting go of the people and responsibilities we have. It means, letting go of the thought that we can’t do things because of our responsibilities.

Tools for Dealing with Transitions:

• Recognize and identify the situation: time of transition. What kind of bridge it is? Where are you on this bridge?
• Re-connecting to your core essence. You are much more than the roles you have in your life.
• Understanding the natural process of transition and the kind of reaction that you have.
• Make an inventory – what has really changed in your life and what has stayed the same?
• Allow time to mourn. Even if the change is positive – you are leaving something behind.
• Try to enjoy this time of uncertainty. Dare to dream again about a new bright future. Stay open to new ideas and thoughts.
• Take care of yourself!  What makes you calm and happy? – Do it!
• This is the time to rely on your support group (friends and family). You are always there for them…it is time for them to remind you how wonderful and capable a person you are!
• If the change gives you some free time – enjoy it.
• Don’t worry!  Its going to be OK. Your body is feeling the stress, allow it to breathe deep and relax.
• Let your emotion be. The more you try to fight sadness and insecurity – the more power they will have over you. We all want to feel positive feelings, but there are other kinds too. Recognize your own feelings and don’t let them take you off track.
• Be brave – trust your core essence and god’s gifts
• Instead of saying “I used to be” or “I had” – say: “I hope to be” or “I plan to do”
• Even if feels that someone had turned off the lights...we always can turn them back on.

I’d like to wish my mother a smooth journey crossing the bridge into retirement and finding a new and fulfilling new chapter in her life.

7 Lessons from My Plumbler

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by Orit  Ramler Szulik

"What did I learn today?" I ask myself every night before getting lost in a dream.  I try to set myself into a learning mode every single day, open to learn from everyone and everything, and to be aware of what I'm learning.  My latest lesson came from my plumber.

On the first hour of the first day of what already promised to be a  hectic week, water was coming down from under the kitchen sink, flooding the house - well, that might be an exaggeration on my part, but there was definitely a big pond! It is exactly one of the last things you want to see when you wake up in the morning ready for a busy day. Desperate is how I felt.

I tried to cut the water flow, without success, but thankfully my husband did.  We had no other choice than to call a plumber (for me and for many reasons it felt as painful as calling the dentist!) and I went ahead and canceled all my meetings for that day.

Mr. Plumber arrived with a nice smile on his face and approached the area of disaster very calmly, almost ignoring my anxiety. As soon as I sensed his attitude, I realized that things were under control. From there on, everything turned into a lesson:

1.  No matter how big the leak is, the attitude we bring into the issue matters! When we are faced with a crisis, we can become the first part of the solution or the problem. If the plumber had walked into my house with the same anxiety I was having, I wouldn't have trusted his ability to solve the problem and he would have become part of the problem himself. As soon as I saw him and because of his attitude, I started to think with more clarity  
2.   Any leak can be viewed differently: perspective, perspective, perspective! A flood to me was just a small incident for the plumber. The pond looked "terrible" to me - I was already imagining my house flooded and everything destroyed. In reality, the problem was small and easy to fix, just by replacing a tiny inexpensive part.
3. A leak starts small before it turns into a pond, so pay attention to the first sign of "alarm" and take quick action! I must confess that I knew about a leak for a while, but I chose to ignore it and instead convinced myself that it was "nothing".  Had I handled the problem as soon as it started, I wouldn't have needed a plumber on such short notice. I could then have planned for it with enough time on my schedule, avoid canceling commitments, pay a more reasonable fee, and not experience this desperation.
4. Be prepared to cut the water supply in case of a leak - know your stuff! This is true for the water but also metaphorically. Be prepared and courageous enough to stop a problem before it grows bigger.
5. Water leaks require a plumber or handy man - expertise matters! It is ok not to know something, and to call the expert to provide his perspective and skills. Confession number 2: I put some ducting tape when I realized the leak was not stopping, and then hoped for the problem to be solved. What do I know about plumbing? Nothing!
6. A leak can originate in many places, and the problem is not always what we think it is!  I kept looking at what I believed was the root cause of the leak, but because of that I didn't pay attention to something else that could have been obvious too.
7. A plumber can teach a coach life lessons. Identify your teachers and become one! The plumber came in, did his job and left. He didn't think of himself as a teacher and yet he was giving me a life lesson. Next time, I will make sure I appreciate my "teacher", and by doing that try to be a teacher and a learner myself.

The week ended up being less hectic than expected, even after this incident...on Friday, there was a perfectly shaped rainbow in the sky. The rainbow taught me that where there is water there can also be sun and something beautiful can happen.

As it turns out, we can always learn a lesson and make our lives a more interesting journey, even when it all starts with a tiny drop that becomes a pond.

Lessons from a Visit at the Children's Museum

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by Noa Peri-Jensch

I’m writing this blog for all the people who have survived.

Survived what? Survived whatever was difficult for you to handle.

A couple of weeks ago I took my daughters to the new children’s museum in our town. We walked around and enjoyed a beautiful exhibition about George Washington. My daughter pointed out a quote on the wall by GW saying   “I had found bullets through my coat and two horses shot under me, and yet escaped unhurt.” General Washington wrote this in a letter to his brother after the battle in Pennsylvania.

Has it ever occurred to you that no matter what you have faced in your life; the hardships, the difficulties, the setbacks, here you are alive reading my blog and realizing that you have survived – hopefully without permanent damage.

As many of us take our daily vitamins to strengthen our bodies and immune system, we should take an opportunity each day to remember the events and experiences that have strengthened our spirits and have helped us become the people we are today.

As we look back, here are a couple of questions to consider:

1) What were the events in my life that had taught me the greatest lessons?

            As for me, thankfully I’ve never had bullets through my coat, but I sure had my share of heartbreak from broken promises, betrayal, as well as being rejected, failing and disappointing others. And yet, after each fall, I got back up equipped with a new lesson about people, life, and most importantly, about myself.

2)  How come I’m still here? Why me?

            Often times when things don’t go the way we expect, we ask “why me?” or “why does this have to happen to me?” What if we ask these questions when the good things happen? “How did I get to be so lucky to have this career? This family? These relationships in my life?” I must have done something right. What is that “something right”? Let us be reminded by the special qualities we possess, the luck we’ve had and the blessings we have experienced.

3)  What’s the bigger picture?

            It is so easy to get caught up with the little annoyances of life but the only thing that can sometimes get me through is looking at the bigger picture. What is the meaning behind all of this? How come I have escaped, unhurt? There must be a very good reason for me to have survived this...and this is where our purpose in life unveils itself. We each have one. Some have found it and others are still searching. George Washington knew that his purpose was to selflessly serve his country. My purpose is to help others be successful in personal life and career.  What is yours?

           

Goals Interrupted: Notes from a Funeral

Despite the fact that I had a to-do list a mile-long today, my day was disrupted by a funeral. The brother of a friend, young guy, 3 kids, heart attack - never saw it coming. And the fact that my work day was interrupted by an event I didn't and couldn't plan for clearly paled in comparison to a life interrupted. Lives interrupted. Changed forever.

I paid a shiva call this evening, and found myself talking with the eldest daughter of the man who passed away. Despite the fact that it is a small world -- and an even smaller Jewish world -- we were suprised to find that we had attended the same High School, Stuyvesant, and even the same Junior High, Robert F. Wagner -- 10 years apart. New York is not that small -- and it felt bashert to have something to talk about that would provide a welcome distraction.

As we mused about teachers we shared, I started to remember the plans I had made for myself so many years ago. I was going to be a doctor (and not just to make my mom kvell). I was a serious science student, a decorated science fair champion, and had an addiction to Trapper John M.D. reruns that set the course for later med-head addictions to E.R. (during the Clooney years only), Grey's Anatomy, and even Scrubs. I followed those plans up through my freshman pre-med year of college, when I realized that organic chem might only be foreshadowing for future academic horrors to come.

I had had lots of plans, and of all the plans that I made, only one concrete youthful plan actually came to fruition -- being a mom. And I can honestly say that I don't look back on any of the plans that I made and then changed, interrupted or ignored with regret. I do know that the one plan I actually fulfilled is the one that has defined my life the most.

We never, ever know when we will run out of time to fulfill our plans, our dreams, our goals. What goal have you achieved that most defines who you are? What else do you want to achieve? What are you waiting for?

And how can I help?

www.myjewishcoach.com
www.myjewishcoach.blogspot.com

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