The Breathtaking Question We All Need to Ask

By Deborah Grayson Riegel

At the beginning of the summer, I had a once in a lifetime opportunity to accompany my 13 year

old daughter Sophie to Austria to cheer her on as she represented the USA in basketball at the United World Games. The tournament was exciting (her team came in 5th), the opportunity to meet young athletes from over 40 countries was inspiring, and the view from the athletic facility of farms, lakes and castles with a backdrop of the Alps was breathtaking.

But it wasn't the vista that truly took my breath away.

After the conclusion of the games, our group of 40 athletes, coaches and parents travelled to Vienna, Venice and Salzburg to take in the major sites. And one day was dedicated to a trip to Mauthausen, a "category three" concentration camp where prisoners were sentenced to "death by work"...or worse. I knew that for me and Sophie, the only Jewish parent and athlete on the trip, this was going to be a meaningful and difficult experience.

Our group sat together to watch a film about the atrocities at the camp, where former prisoners recounted their horrific experiences. We walked through the museum, where artifacts were on display -- a makeshift spoon, a single shoe, a desperate letter home. We toured the intact gas chamber, where each and every one of us felt torn between wanting to see and wanting not to see. We walked through the infamous "Block 20" where the camp's "criminals" were forced to work from sunup to sundown in all weather, and were expected to lie down and form a human carpet to shield the SS officers' boots from the ground.

And as horrendous as that was to seek it still wasn't what took my breath away.

It was an hour into our tour when one of my daughter's teammates came up to Sophie, and put her arm around her shoulders. Sophie looked up at her teammate, who asked this simple yet powerful question:

"How is this for you?"

With five words, Sophie's teenage teammate managed to capture empathy, understanding, concern, caring, as well as the awareness that Sophie, as a Jew, might be experiencing the camp differently than her non-Jewish peers. Her question didn't assume that Sophie would have a particular response to the camp, but it created the space and opportunity for Sophie to reflect on what her response was. The question was personal without being intrusive, nonjudgmental, open, and delivered with warmth and compassion.

Asked by a 14 year old girl. At a time and place where compassion was exactly what was needed.

That's what took my breath away.

And you can take someone's breath away too, with this compassionate coach-like question that gives your friend, colleague, or family-member an invitation to reflect on his or own personal experience in the midst of a change, crisis or opportunity. "How is this for you?" acknowledges and respects the uniqueness and individuality of someone's perspective while demonstrating your interest in, concern for and curiosity about them. The question doesn't ask for someone to seek consensus or find a middle ground or adapt to others. It simply asks someone to be who they are, feel how they feel, and share (or not) what it's like.

I, for one, am so happy that my daughter has a teammate who was so caring, compassionate and curious about her. That, for me, is what makes a gold medal team.

Five New Ways to Think About Your Old Problems

By Deborah Grayson Riegel

In my role as a coach, my primary job isn’t to give advice --- it’s to ask questions to help people uncover their own thinking, perspectives, and assumptions. And of course, my questions change depending on the client and the issue (and probably what I ate for breakfast), but there’s one question in particular that I tend to ask a lot:

“What’s another way of looking at this?”

That question alerts my client to the fact that they are seeing their challenge or solution in one way – a way that often feels like it’s keeping them “stuck” – and that there are multiple ways to look at any issue. It also lays the foundation for using creative thinking for how we can get that problem solved. When we take a black & white approach to seeing a problem, we also take a black & white approach to tackling the problem – and unless we’re talking about black & white cookies, I’m interested in exploring more options. When we do that, the solutions that my clients generate tend to be more interesting, more motivating, and have longer-term “stickiness” than previous ones they may have considered.

Here are five new ways to think about your old problems that I use in coaching, in workshops, while facilitating retreats and in tackling my own challenges, and I’d love to hear your novel ideas, too.

Sample problems:

• How can we improve our volunteer – professional partnerships?
• How can I reduce my stress at work?
• How can I communicate more compassionately with my children?

Techniques:

1)      Do a reverse brainstorm.

E.g. How can we make our volunteer – professional partnerships worse? Then check to make sure you’re not already doing those things – and begin to implement the opposite of what came from your “negative” brainstorm.

2)      Eliminate barriers of time and money, temporarily.

E.g. If time and money were unlimited, how would I reduce my stress at work? While you may not be able to take that year-long trip around the world, or quit your job altogether,   you can bring your ideas down to earth and make them realistic, such as taking more vacations, or beginning to look for a new job if the stress cannot be reduced in your current position.

3)  Interview an Expert (in Your Head)

E.g. What is “compassionate communication” according to Supernanny? According to your parents? According to Anne Sullivan (The Miracle Worker)? According to your favorite relative? According to… Come up with your own list and take into account your best guess of other experts’ opinions.

4) Take One Step Back

E.g. Picture yourself engaging in the most satisfying volunteer professional partnership imaginable. What happened right before you felt this level of contentment? What did you say or do? What did your partner say or do? And what happened right before that? And then right before that? Build the scenario backwards to see what steps you may be inclined to miss in real life.

5) Look through Four Lenses

E.g. Look at your workplace stress through a magnifying glass to bring one or more small details into focus. Then look through a microscope to see “invisible” factors that impact your stress level. Then look through a telescope to see how workplace stress fits into the bigger picture of your life. Finally, look through a prism to see different facets of stress that you might not have thought about before. After viewing the problem through Four Lenses, you can begin to decide what to deal with first.


Join us for a Virtual Presentation of:

The Innovation Imperative
June 16th
2:00-3:00pm EST or on your own time

The world is changing at such a rapid rate that we have no choice but to be creative, adapt and transform both ourselves and our work. This webinar will both present some of the dominant trends in society today as well as give some tips for people looking at bringing innovation into their organizations. What will become clear during the presentation is that many of the hallmarks of Jewish organizational life tomorrow cannot, will not and should not resemble those of today.

Dr. David Bryfman is the Chief Learning Officer at The Jewish Education Project in New York. David completed his Ph.D. in Education and Jewish Studies at NYU focusing on Jewish adolescent identity development and experiential Jewish Education. He is also a graduate of the Wexner Graduate Fellowship Program. Prior to moving to New York, David worked in formal and informal Jewish educational institutions in Australia, Israel, and North America. 

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Finding Organic Connections: The Key to Fundraising Success

Guest Blogger: Jonah Halper

In the dating world, most long-term relationships aren’t born out of pure coincidence -- the connections and relationships occur organically. What this means is that if you are looking for a real relationship, then you probably won’t have the best odds of finding one at a bar or nightclub. Why? Because those venues aren’t conducive to deep, meaningful or connected conversations.  Instead of relying on random connections or the luck of the draw, you are much more likely to find a better match if mutual friends make the love connection. You trust your friends, and if they recommend someone to enhance your life, you are much more inclined to take their word for it and go out with their suggested match. This works both ways. The person of interest is also more inclined to say “yes” to you as a blind date knowing you share mutual friends.

In the philanthropy world, the same rules apply. It would seem that common sense would dictate that a fundraiser should hob nob at charity events, the golf course, or any place where monied people go to hang out. You may get lucky, but not in any consistent or reliable way. The reality is that you should turn your attention to your existing relationships to identify and engage new supporters. Just like dating, asking for an introduction or getting introduced by existing contacts, provides a layer of credibility you could never accomplish on your own, and gives you a foot in the door that wouldn’t likely happen if you simply met the prospect at an event or conference with no advance introduction. Your best resource for identifying quality prospects come from those you already know well. They may be family, colleagues, or existing donors. They know you, and what you stand for, and asking your connections to open up their contacts to you will always be the most sure-fire method for expanding your reach and connecting with prospective new donors. This is why the board of directors of your organization is critical to the fundraising process. A successful development officer leverages the connections and relationships of the volunteers, donors and board members.

Because your existing relationships are the key to your fundraising success, remember these 3 things:

1. Find a reason for the intro beyond their wallet. No one will introduce you to their friend just because they are wealthy. Does the prospect care about special needs? The environment? Does the prospect own a particular set of skills or experience that would provide value to the cause? Do the research before you ask for an introduction, as it will greatly increase the odds of getting the referral when your friend understands why the introduction is meaningful.
2. Reinforce your pitch with the role the common friend plays within it. Remember, your connection came through a common friend. Make sure you use that to your advantage. Opening a special resource room in your school? Tell your prospect how your common friend has been involved in that exciting experience. 
3. Don’t aim for a one night stand. Asking the prospect for money on the first date is the equivalent of asking for a quickie. You may get some instant gratification, but it will diminish the odds of you getting a long term relationship. Your ultimate goal should be to make the prospect your partner, and that requires your ability to listen and learn so you can provide them with a meaningful experience. An experience of value TO THEM.

To learn more from Jonah Halper, join him on Monday, April 28th at 2:00pm est for his presentation on Date Your Donors: How to Attract and Engage a New Generation of Philanthropists. For more information go to www.myjewishcoach.com/webinar.

Making a Bar Mitzvah with Less Stress: The 5 Secrets of Savvy Delegators

by Deborah Grayson Riegel

March 16th is my twins’ b’nai mitzvah. That’s 4 days away. And as you know, regardless of whether the big day is a ceremony followed by a buffet brunch (like ours) or a booming blow-out that rivals the Vanity Fair Oscars party, there are a million things that need to get done in advance of it. So when I delegated to my son Jacob the design of the photo montage, which traditionally shows as many friends and family members as you’ve ever taken a picture of, matched with a sentimental and upbeat soundtrack, I was thrilled that he agreed to take it on. Until….

Until I realized that he thought pictures of his twin sister crying or in diapers should be well represented. Until I realized that his tolerance for low-resolution images was much higher than mine. And until I realized that his choice of music was, shall we say, more explicit than mine. I was about to take back the whole project when I remembered one of my own Secrets of Savvy Delegators: “Clarify expectations up front, plan for check-ins, then get out of the way”. In other words, rather than panicking that he wouldn’t do it the way I would do it (which he wouldn’t), I sat him down for an expectations conversation, where we covered a few ground rules: 1) No pictures that embarrass anyone; 2) if you can see pixilation in the photo, shrink it or skip it; and 3) no music with lyrics that would make a grandparent blush. With that start-up information shared, and a schedule of frequent check-ins planned, I put the montage out of my mind so that I could focus my mind on everything else I couldn’t delegate.

Here are four other secrets of savvy delegators:

1. Delegate to the right person when the stakes are high. While many folks are more focused on the “bar”, we are more focused on the “mitzvah”. So while the party playlist might not be perfect or the decorations may not be sophisticated, getting the service as right as we could in terms of both accuracy and intimacy was critical for us. What this means is that we delegated the design of the service and the preparation of our children to one of our closest, most trusted friends – who also happens to be a rabbi. Anyone can be in charge of the balloons, but not anyone could be in charge of helping our kids’ embrace this day as a milestone, and helping us have the event feel special and sacred.
2. Distinguish between responsibility and accountability when delegating. Even as much as we trust our rabbi and friend to deliver on his responsibilities, we are still accountable for making sure that the kids do their preparation. We are still accountable for making sure that the service is inclusive. And we are certainly accountable for making sure that our children’s interest in and commitment to leading a life of good deeds and loving behavior towards others and a belief in something lasts beyond 13 years old. None of those things can be delegated. 
3. Stop seeking positive reinforcement for being overwhelmed. “Deb, how are you guys DOING with everything going on?” has been the topic of most chats with my friends and family over the last few months. And while I appreciate the recognition that this is a crazy time for us, I am actively avoiding the desire to seem busier than I actually am. Yes, it is very tempting to play the burdened victim here, and hope that people would send me certificates for Massage Envy and some take-out dinners, but that’s not the truth, nor is it the message I want to send. Yes, it is a lot to do. But my husband has taken on a huge number of tasks, and our kids are carrying their weight. So I am very clear in letting people know that it is major AND manageable. And that I am important but not indispensable. 
4. Don’t give away all the fun stuff. Delegation is supposed to make your life and work easier, not harder. It kept my motivation up throughout the boring parts (like planning the seating arrangements – a task I couldn’t delegate but one that aged me by several years) to know that I got to pick the menu because I really, truly care about the food. Nobody was taking that off my plate, so to speak. So there will be bagels and lox and baked ziti and macaroni and cheese and rainbow cookies and…and….yum. How do you know that there’s something you should keep for yourself? When someone says to you, “I can do that for you,” and you think to yourself, “Nope – that’s mine.” Which is probably what I’ll say about anyone who tries to touch my rainbow cookie!

So whether you are planning next quarter’s business activities, your company’s annual staff retreat or a major family milestone, use the Secrets of Savvy Delegators to make your next project feel doable rather than dramatic.

Want to learn more savvy delegation secrets to help you manage your team, your work and your life? Join me for a one hour Virtual Presentation, “Delegate without Drama” this month, and 10 other topics throughout the year! Register here: www.myjewishcoach.com/webinar.html

The Most Important Sentence in Delegation

For more on this topic and 10 other topics, 

visit us at www.myjewishcoach.com/webinar 

NY Style Underground Fundraising

By Orit Ramler Szulik        

“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” - Winston Churchill

At a certain point you get numbed by the stories, no matter how tragic they sound. Stop #1, a lady with a

can in her hand steps into the subway and begs for money because she has AIDS and 6 kids. Stop #2, another lady with a walker and a box attached to it, begs for money because she is blind and homeless. Stop #3, a young man begging because he lost his wallet and he needs money to get his next subway ticket to go home. Stop #4, a Vietnam veteran with a box hanging from his neck begging for money because he tragically lost both arms - he touched my heart and got some spare change! You get the picture, as one comes up the other goes down, and the people on the subway continue their journey while avoiding eye contact with the beggar, as if nothing is being asked from them. Once in a while, someone will reach out to their pockets and graciously but hesitantly will contribute to the cause.

And then there is stop # 5, a guy in his mid 50s joins us on the subway and changes the rules of the game. He sits on a huge speaker box and turns on his old electric guitar. He spots a sweet young boy who is sitting next to his mom, and he starts singing to him with a smile, while improvising the lyrics ”the boy in the hood” and speaking directly to him. Smiles now start to show up, people are no longer invisible to the rest. One by one, I could see smile after smile. We started looking at each other and staring at the man singing, it was a kind of a magical awakening that we all welcomed. Who doesn’t want to feel good? Who doesn’t want to feel the “hope” in the midst of all the sad stories we heard so far during our ride? Once the man is finished with the boy, he doesn’t stop, instead he turns to my beautiful daughter and starts singing to her, to “the white lady with the gloves”. Our smiles grow bigger; we look at him as he makes eye contact with each one of us. He is not rushed, he sings during stops # 6, 7 & 8. He stays with us, he engages everyone in a way that you don’t want the ride to end. This guy has a personal story too, but he chose to share with us a different side of him, and to show us how we can keep singing and bringing joy to our lives. He chose not to share one more sad story of a declining life with no hope. He wanted us to feel good, he wanted to remind us that there is joy that can be shared, he wanted us to see what he is capable of doing when he has food and a place to sleep. All of a sudden, people started opening their wallets, all with a smile on their faces. People were not looking for small change, they were going for bills, they were happy to give and it was contagious. This man wasn’t a talented entertainer or singer, he was too a subway beggar but one who understood fundraising!

All of those beggars who stepped on the subway before Stop #5, imploring for help with moving personal stories, made us feel compassion, pity, and even guilt when they stepped down taking nothing from us. We are generally not committed to stories that we don’t know whether we can trust, or to causes that we don’t know if our contribution will have any positive impact, or things that don’t make us feel the joy of giving. We usually don’t appreciate being pushed or rushed to give, or to feel invisible to the one asking us to give without even really noticing us. We don’t give very often or much because of guilt, or to every single sad story or cause we hear. We are selective in our giving, and the way we feel when asked will determine much of our philanthropic decisions, even how we distribute our small change.

Wikipedia describes begging as “the practice of imploring others to grant a favor, often a gift of money, with little or no expectation of reciprocation.” On that subway ride I was reminded of the many solicitations I receive year after year, when I’m begged by known non for profit organizations, who support great causes, but they choose to just get on the subway with their story and avoid eye contact. They don’t care about me but just about what they have to say, and then step down on the next station and let the next one step in. I’m numbed to those solicitations! If only they chose to stay longer on the ride and connect, if they just decided to share with me the joy of their impact in a more personal way, if they chose to follow up and deliver on a promise, if only...I would connect faster and stronger.

I always remember the prominent doctor I was soliciting for a capital campaign years back, who told me “I won’t belong, so I won’t give”. My frustration led me to ask him “I’m curious, do you belong to everything you give to, or do you give so others can belong as well?” It was the turning point to a major gift. The man stayed quiet for a while, and then he said that he never thought about how others will benefit and feel by having that building, and that thought made him feel good. It is selfish to think that we only give to causes that make us feel good, but giving also has the right to be selfish, as we decide to share what we earned with hard work. When we give, that’s what we want to get in return: a good feeling!

The guy on stop # 5 gets it. He took his time to develop a relationship and connect with us, his “prospective donors”. He told us in his own way that he cared about us as much as he wants us to care about him. He made us feel good and offered us the opportunity to start the day with a bright smile while doing good.

According to Wharton Professor Adam Grant, author of “Give and Take”, the world is filled with takers, givers and matchers. Takers are those who like to get more than they give. They tilt reciprocity — the mix of give and take — in their favor. Unlike takers, givers reflect a reciprocity style that is "other-focused": they focus more on what others need than what they need. The final category of Grant’s three reciprocity styles is the matcher, who strives to achieve a balance between giving and taking. The guy on stop #5 took my bills and gave me a good feeling and a smile.

That ride on the NY subway to Time Square, became a reminder of the basics of fundraising: simple, personal, joyful, doable and when done well, beautiful!

Three Reasons For What's Holding Us Back

by Donna Schwartz

A few years ago, I was at the gym working out with a trainer. He and I had been working together for over a year. He knew me well. He knew when to push me and when I just needed some encouragement to get through a particularly rough workout. This day however was different. He set up a circuit for me to do with lots of different activities. Push this. Pull that. Lift and squat some heavy stuff and throw it across the room. I was half way through the circuit when he put me in front of a box and said jump on this. I looked at the box which was no more than a foot off the ground and looked back at my trainer and said what are you crazy (with an added exploitive or two)? He said no, just bend your knees and jump. I bent my knees and couldn't do it. I was paralyzed with fear. I took a deep breathe and bent my knees again and again I couldn't do it. This is crazy I thought to myself it's a foot off the ground. I practiced jumping next to the box. I can jump that high with no problem. Why couldn't I just jump on the box?

If you've ever watched any weight loss show, you've seen contestants season after season get stuck in front of that box. But what is so different about this exercise? What is it about this box that it leaves so many people paralyzed with fear and crying in a big heap of a sweaty mess.

The box is a really good metaphor for life and after much analysis I've come up with 3 reasons on what's holding us back from jumping onto the box in life and in the gym:

1. Fear of Failure - The irrational fear that we will not succeed. So what happens? We don't even try because....(the millions of the things that run through our head). If you look at failure as just an opportunity to try again until you get it right, it takes some pressure off of you and gives you permission to learn as you go. Success isn't necessarily completing the task at hand. Success should be defined as accepting wherever you are in the process and pushing forward through each step till the end.

2. Leap of faith- The act hurling your body onto this platform requires you to believe that what you are about to do will all work out. If I jump, I will land squarely on this box. When it comes to doing something for the first time we make up excuses in our head that limits our abilities to take the leap. We combat all the voices by looking around to see if other people have done the same activity successfully. How did they do it? What did it take? If we can answer these questions, usually it's enough for us to take the leap.

3. Can't let go- For most of us the idea of letting go feels like a loss of control. Losing control puts us in a state of panic and extreme anxiety. We fear if we can't control the outcome something terrible will happen which is often rooted in our need to be perfect.

We can't let go of something if part of you believes that you are better off with "it". The "it" is serving another purpose and until you understand the need that is being met you won't be able to let it go.

Over the years I've stood in front of that box and some days I make it my bitch and other days it gets me and I'm that person crying in a big heap of a sweaty mess. What I know is that when I'm unable to do it, if I take a quiet moment to look inward there is always something going on in my life that is feeding into my fear of failure, my inability to take a leap of faith or my need to control something. What's different today then a few years ago, is that now I can understand what's holding me back and deal with it head on.