When Are We Home?

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By Orit Ramler Szulik

“Home is the place that goes where you go, yet it welcomes you upon return. Like a dog overjoyed at the door. We’ve missed you is what you hear, no matter how long you’ve been gone” - Michael J Rosen

In my last blog I shared that “I lived in seven different countries and felt at home in each one of

them”. Many of you followed up by asking me, how is that possible. That question triggered a conversation with my daughter, about “which one is really home?".

Once again, like with most questions in life, there is no simple answer. To this day, when people ask me “where are you from?” my answer is not a straight-forward one. Instead, I always feel the need to share a short story in response. “I was born in Israel, but I lived in seven different countries, mostly in Argentina, where my parents, my husband and children are from, and now I’m from Durham, NC”, and then I have an urge to add "I’m a citizen of the world”.   Oy!  So, where IS home?

Let’s start with question #1, how is it possible to make every place home? Well, I need to give credit to my parents for that!

-  To start, they always made me feel we were on a mission. It wasn’t about an unstable life, but a life with a purpose. We were moving for my dad’s job and we all had a share in that job. My dad worked for the Israeli Foreign Ministry and I always was a little ambassador for my country. The purpose was to bring with me my homeland and share it with my new home until I can share it with another home, and then another... and at the end we all learn that we are part of one big home.

-  They always taught me that I was part of a community that was all over the world, and being part of that community gave me a sense of belonging, wherever that community was. I can’t remember having arrived to any country and not being invited that first Friday to a family Shabbat dinner with the same prayers, tastes, and traditions we had at home.

-  They also made me believe  - and I still do!-  that there were always friends waiting to meet me in other places. I cried for a week saying goodbye to my friends, but I was also excited to go and meet those who were waiting for me. Coming into a new school it gave me all the confidence I needed to make new friends  “who were waiting for me” -- something I carry with me even today.

-   And finally, my parents would recreate my environment as if every place was the final destination, not a transition. It wasn’t about “we will live here only for two years”, but it was about “this is home now”. Believe me, it worked!

My husband always reminds me, it has to do with my personality. But more than that, it has to do with my choice of how I want to live. I could cry for what I am leaving behind, or I could choose to believe that what I have I can still have anywhere I go, and what was there for me will still be there even if I move.

Now to question #2, which one is really home? That’s a more philosophical question.  At this point “home” is larger than a country for me. Yes, Home is the country I was born in, no doubt about it, even if I left at a young age and even if when I visit (visit home?) I feel a stranger in many ways- from my accent to the way of living.  But I belong there, and belonging is home. Home is being with my childhood friends wherever they are around the globe every time I see them. Home is always when I’m with family who is also happened to be spread out around the world. Home is when I taste that food from that country where I used to live.  Home is listening to the languages I was born into. Home is listening to the songs I grew up with. Home is my parents. Home is being with my husband and my kids even if it is in a hotel room. Home is my house no matter where it is.  As Rabbetzin Twerski wrote “home has nothing to do with bricks and mortar and furnishing, it has everything to do with the spirit which fills it”.

There is a famous song in Spanish, “No soy de aqui, ni soy de alla.” which means “I’m neither from here nor from there”, but I'd rather sing it  “I’m from here and I’m from there”.

Home is a feeling, not a place. To me “home” is a state of mind, not always a single  place but many places. Home is a place that goes where I go.

Change is Inevitable, Suffering Isn’t: Strategies for Managing Change

By Noa Peri-Jensch

After 35 years of working hard and loving every minute of it, my mother is retiring.

For my mom, this moment came as a surprise. Of course, a part of her brain was aware of this reality but the other part was in a complete denial. 

For some people, work is a paycheck; a means to get the bills paid and live life. For others, work is a sense of purpose; a validation that their existence means something to someone and that by doing their job and living their life purpose...the world is becoming a better place. For my mom, the latter was the case and this is why it felt to her that someone had just turned off the lights in the middle of the show. 

In Israel, we have a perfect example that age has nothing to do with who you are and what you are capable of doing.  Shimon Peres, at age 90 and Israel’s President, is living proof that as long as you feel you have something to contribute to the world, then it is your obligation to do so.

So the question to ask is, why is it so confusing and scary, at times, for people like my mother to retire.  I think the answer lies in our ability to manage change or better yet, manage life transitions.

Transitions as a Journey Across a Bridge

Some of the changes in our lives are by choice and our response to the change is positive. Other changes are being forced on us and our response to them might be negative. Either way we need to realize that we are leaving something behind (if we get married – we leave our single life behind, when we start a family – we leave our freedom and sleep behind, when we lose our jobs – we leave our routine and security behind, when we age – we leave our youth behind and all the possibilities we could have had). That is when the journey starts. It is like crossing a bridge. Sometimes we are excited about the journey, and sometimes we are scared. Sometimes the bridges are short and the view is spectacular and sometimes it is long and foggy and we can’t see what’s on the other side. At times we run fast on the bridge, can’t wait to start the new chapter in our lives and sometimes, we refuse to take a single step, holding on to the railing and keeping looking back to all the things that we left behind.

Harry Woodwards, in his book “Navigating Through Change” has identified four human reactions to change:

·         Confusion – “I’m ok but my whole world is destroyed”

·         Denial – “If I don’t talk about it or think about it – it doesn’t really happen to me”

·         Anger -  “Just as it happened to me, it will happen to you too!”

·         Loss – “Who am I if I am no longer have my career or my identity as a spouse?”

All four reactions have a positive aspect (in moderation) and negative aspects that we must watch out for. We have the ability to recognize the type of reaction that we have, validate our feelings and deal with the difficulties. If we choose to stay “stuck” in any of the reactions – we will never be able to progress in the transitional journey and start a new chapter.

Managing the Road Blocks

Sometimes transitions are difficult because of the things that keep holding us back. My friend and colleague, Myriam Khalifa, had suggested that there could be others areas in our life other than our reaction to change that we should look at, such as: 

·         Others – beliefs and thoughts of people who are close to us. For example, “my parents raised me to always put my family first, before my own needs”.

·         World – circumstances in our life, such as financial crisis, “our mortgage is upside down”, conflicts in the middle east etc.- all that prevent me from leaving the place I am at now.

·         Work/Stay home – logistics around the house, commitments that we have at work/home. For example, “my paycheck is really good, even if I’m unhappy with my job”. Or, “I don’t have time for what I really want to do since I have to be here for my children”.

Sometime we are so bogged down by the roadblocks that we can’t even start thinking of our dreams. Every time we dare to come up with a new idea for ourselves, a roadblock pops in our mind and we soon let go of our dreams. Why not, instead of letting go of our dreams, let go of the roadblocks. This does not mean letting go of the people and responsibilities we have. It means, letting go of the thought that we can’t do things because of our responsibilities.

Tools for Dealing with Transitions:

• Recognize and identify the situation: time of transition. What kind of bridge it is? Where are you on this bridge?
• Re-connecting to your core essence. You are much more than the roles you have in your life.
• Understanding the natural process of transition and the kind of reaction that you have.
• Make an inventory – what has really changed in your life and what has stayed the same?
• Allow time to mourn. Even if the change is positive – you are leaving something behind.
• Try to enjoy this time of uncertainty. Dare to dream again about a new bright future. Stay open to new ideas and thoughts.
• Take care of yourself!  What makes you calm and happy? – Do it!
• This is the time to rely on your support group (friends and family). You are always there for them…it is time for them to remind you how wonderful and capable a person you are!
• If the change gives you some free time – enjoy it.
• Don’t worry!  Its going to be OK. Your body is feeling the stress, allow it to breathe deep and relax.
• Let your emotion be. The more you try to fight sadness and insecurity – the more power they will have over you. We all want to feel positive feelings, but there are other kinds too. Recognize your own feelings and don’t let them take you off track.
• Be brave – trust your core essence and god’s gifts
• Instead of saying “I used to be” or “I had” – say: “I hope to be” or “I plan to do”
• Even if feels that someone had turned off the lights...we always can turn them back on.

I’d like to wish my mother a smooth journey crossing the bridge into retirement and finding a new and fulfilling new chapter in her life.

The Chicken or the Egg – Part II

By Jane Stein

So, rumor has it that some of you had a bit of a conversation around my last blog “What comes first,   Of course since I live in the 1950’s, in other words not on Facebook, I have absolutely no idea what all you guys said.  But thanks to my dear fellow My Jewish Coach, Donna Schwartz, I have, in spite of crashing my 1950’s computer, kicking and screaminly entered your universe and joined Facebook!!!

the chicken or the egg?”

As soon as I accomplished this ever so mighty feat, I felt really proud of my very clever self.  But there was one small problem…I have absolutely no idea what to do now.  And most importantly, I have no idea how to communicate with you guys (please note that a guy is very often a woman!) when each and every one of you decide that the following is something you simply do not agree with!

Yes.  I still believe NO MONEY – NO MISSION.  Yes, the MONEY must come first.  That being said, without a compelling mission, (remember your really, really really great idea from last month?) finding the money is gonna be a tad difficult.  Does that mean that the MISSION comes first?  Hum. I do believe that we are now smack dab back in that whole chicken and egg conundrum.

So now here are the three Jane P. Stein recommendations for getting around this whole mishegas.

1.     Take that really really really great idea – now becoming in your own mind a sorta mission statement – and call the very smartest person you know.  To qualify who this particular very smart person should be, it needs to be someone with a whole boat load of money and a willingness to part with it for organizations with compelling missions (you know…that guy with the philanthropic soul). 

2.     Make an appointment (a date for coffee or “just 15 minutes of your time at your office”) to meet face to face.

3.     Use the nine magic words “I really would love to pick your amazing brain” followed very quickly (no breathing allowed) by the eight even more magical words “I promise I won’t ask you for money”.

And BINGO!  You are on your way!!  This is your opportunity to test drive your idea.  Call it your very own personal feasibility study (and just like those fancy and very expensive feasibility studies we all know and don’t particularly love) your very smart person knows that you will be back one day asking for money!  But at this meeting, DO NOT ASK FOR MONEY…and if this very smart person begs you to take money to get started, please, please keep your promise and DO NOT TAKE THE MONEY.  You are there to paint the picture of how much better the world will be with the implementation of your mission idea.  This is your chance to engage another person into dreaming your dream with you. 

Of course if you cannot engage this very smart person into dreaming with you, it may be time to go back to the drawing board.  No engagement, no money.  No money, no mission.

But if you see this guy’s eyes light up.  And you see this guy move forward to the edge of that great big scary office chair, pitch your little heart out, but be sure that you take a whole lot of the time to get input from the very smart person. 

Because once that input starts getting put in, you will find yourself with a new partner to your dream…one with the money (and the friends and the contacts and the connections) to get your mission up and running.  And then guess what???? MONEY AND MISSION!!!

Camp isn't just about the campers!

 by Donna Schwartz

Jessica & Eden back in the day

About a month ago I boarded a plane from Philly to Ft. Lauderdale excited to be going to a wedding of a close friend. Close is probably an understatement. See I met this beautiful young lady when she was five and I was 15. It was the summer before my sophomore year in high school and she was in my very first camp group at Camp Maccabee. I was a young Junior counselor and she was a nervous first time camper.  I immediately connected with her and the entire group of 5 year old girls. I remember getting paid something like $300 for the entire summer but it didn't matter, I was having a blast.  One day at pick-up the camper's mom asked if I babysat as they were new to the area and were looking for someone to watch their 2 & 5 year old on an occasional  Saturday night.  Since my summer wage of $1.35 an hour wasn't cutting it, babysitting seemed like a good way to supplement my income. What happened next changed my life.  I met the entire family and fell in love. This family of 4 became my adopted family. They treated me as if I was their 3rd daughter and I loved them for it. Fast forward a lot of years, I'm still really close with this family.

All of us at Jessica's Rehearsal Dinner

As I reminisced with all of her friends at the wedding each one of them told me how many memories they have from those years at camp and they were surprised to hear how much I remembered as well.

As camp directors, we look at a variety of factors when matching counselors with groups: Personality, age, compatibility with co-counselor, etc.  I'm sure Pattie, the camp director back then never thought "hey let's put Donna with this group of 5 year old girls so that she can make a family friend for a lifetime."


We always talk about all the reasons why children should go to camp but I think we should be talking about why teens should work at a camp also. There's nothing like the friendships we make during the hot summer days.  The bonding that happens while singing silly songs and covering yourself in paint to signify your loyalty to your color war team is unmatched by any other work experience.  As camp directors it's our job to teach young staff how to be a good employee. We teach them responsibility and work ethic.  For so many young teens this is their first employment opportunity and the things we teach them will be with them for a lifetime. A teen who is willing to work very hard in the hot sun with campers hanging all over them while ensuring their safety will make a great employee in the future. You're welcome big corporations of the world!

Most camps around the country are starting this week. Welcoming campers and getting ready to make memories of a lifetime. Take some time to get to know who is spending the next 8 weeks with your child, you never know if they'll be part of your family for the next 20 years.

New languages offer a new way of being

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Orit Ramler Szulik

“There’s this boy who recently moved to the United States from Latin America and he’s facing some challenges. I would like for you to meet his parents and offer some help",  a good friend and preschool teacher told me the other day.

 “Tell me more…give me an example", I replied. 

“Well, we were speaking about bedtime and when I asked about his, he didn’t respond", she told me concerned. I tried to explain to her why this boy might not know the significance of “bedtime".

“You see, in many Latin American countries, there is no such thing as a “bedtime” or “story time” or even “time out”. The boy might not really know what you are asking him, because he might just go to bed when he is tired, or whenever his parents believe the time is right". I looked at her with a big smile, as I reflected on all the cultural differences I had to face when my family and I moved to the U.S. 15 years ago and learn a new language. Still, after 15 long years, cultural shocks are part of my daily routine. 

Some of the things I had to adapt to were in many cases unexpected, and with them came new words which brought new meanings and overall, a new me. Here are just a few: 

•          Being invited to supper at 5:00 p.m. Dinner is supposed to be at 9:00 p.m. or later…anything earlier is a “merienda” (snack time); or the word supper itself. I hadn’t heard the meaning to that word until moving to the U.S.

•          Story time, time out, or bedtime... what do these things even mean? we didn't have them in our family over there.

•          Being told the time a party starts and the time a party ends. In the world I come from, that’s considered rude. Parties last until people feel like leaving...No set beginnings and no set endings. Just go with the flow

•          Waving or nodding politely instead of kissing someone on the cheek when you greet them. In that world it is extremely rude, but in the U.S., it’s courteous! 

•          Walking into a room and not being able to just interrupt any conversation with a hug, but waiting until I’m being noticed...

•          Requesting from people not to bring birthday gifts and instead make a donation. I love giving and receiving  birthday gifts, why can’t I bring something?

•          Teachers are not encouraged to hug their young students with passion or sometimes even sit them on their laps, while in my world that was a way of showing affection and expected from a teacher.

•          Not opening gifts as soon as you get them on your birthday or opening all the gifts in front of everyone -  I was taught not to do any of those! you open the gift as soon as you get it in front of the person who gave it to you.

•          Sending thank you notes - never!  Instead, giving a hug and thanking someone on the spot.

•          Youth soccer leagues make everyone a winner no matter what the final score is. How are kids supposed to learn how to compete, if everyone always wins? 

•          Not having your doctor available whenever you need them. Where I come from, the doctor can regularly come to your home! 

•          Brunch on Sundays.

•          … And the list can go on forever. My personal list grows as I learn of new things everyday. 

So far, I’ve lived in seven different countries and I made each one my home.  My world is always expanding as I discover new words, those words are new customs and traditions. I’m still trying to invite my American friends to “pasear” with me which is common for me, but I can’t find the exact word in English, as people here don’t “pasear” (walk around for the pure sake of walking, visiting places just to visit.) While this is true in Spanish, English has no such thing. Instead, I must use a long sentence to express my desire to go on a walk and visit places just to visit. Likewise, I can’t find a Spanish translation for the words “accountability” or “fund-raising” unless, once again, I use a lengthy descriptive sentence. 

Words and languages create cultures, and as you learn a new language, you unleash a new “way of being.” Often I see people who are multilingual showing different personalities depending the language they are speaking at the moment, as if each language carries a different personality  with it.

While at the beginning I had no clue what a bedtime was, I have learned to incorporate it into my own life and even used it with my children sometimes. I’ve also learned how to eat dinner earlier and attend and even host Sunday brunches from time to time. There are things, however, that my American friends have learned not to expect from me, among them waiting to open my gifts or sending them a thank you note. On these occasions, my Israeli and Latin spontaneity are emphasized more than ever. 

Bottom line: it’s crucial to understand where the other person is coming from in order to make sure we are really communicating. The words we speak reflect the realities we are parts of and each reality provides different meanings. “What time do you go to bed in general?” is a universal question, everyone sleeps. “What time is your bed-time” is cultural, not everyone goes to sleep at a pre-determined time. It’s something worth thinking about in order to cross boundaries when we talk to someone who comes from a different country or background.

Learn a new language and your world is guaranteed to become boundless, as mine has become over the years. New words with new meanings become new habits, and that’s how you adapt and make every place home. It is like going to a new restaurant and trying a new dish. It’s a new flavour that you have discovered and has now become a new option you never knew before.

It is None of Your Business…or Is It?

By Noa Peri-Jensch

During Memorial Day weekend, I had the opportunity to escort the Israeli Scouts (Tzofim) on their summer camp. This was my daughter's first sleep away camp experience and I was not about to miss any of it.  I still remember the strange looks of other moms questioning my sanity and why I would put myself (voluntarily) on a bus with 40 loud kids for a 9 hour drive to Camp Ramah in Ojai, CA.  But for me, it was all about being there for my daughter and (subconsciously)protecting her from any harm that might happen to her while she was away from the safety of home.

Remember the movie "Finding Nemo"? Remember how Marlon, Nemo’s father, wouldn't let him out into the world out of fear? Well, I was the Marlon in this scenario.

To make a long story short, I had noticed that my daughter was making efforts to become friends with a few girls that didn't seem to want her friendship. While my role as a chaperone parent was very clear to me which was "only help when you are asked to" and "leave it all to the counselors", I still couldn't resist whispering in my daughter's ear that maybe she should be re-directing her efforts in getting to know other girls who might have been nicer to her. 

Day two, I kept on noticing that even though my daughter seemed to enjoy herself, she was, at times, by herself observing the others.  Again, I felt I should be advising her (and then later advising the counselors) that she needed to become more part of the group. It didn't take too long for the other kids to notice that there was an overprotective mother there who simply couldn’t let go.  

The next day, I was called for a serious conversation by my 10 year old daughter, who gave me a tough but much needed lesson. She said.. "Mom, I know you are trying to help me but you are being over-protective and I am really fine". In other words…it was none of my business. With tears falling down my face…I kissed her and told her that she was right and that I would stay out of her way. The following day, I kept myself busy with hiking at beautiful Camp Ramah and finished reading a great book. When I decided to go and "check on the kids", I saw my daughter happy with her team and surrounded by friends.

Seeing your child hurting is a painful experience for any parent. Seeing your project at work (your "baby") getting off track is painful too. At times, we are under the false impression that we have the power to fix the world. While "Tikun Olam" is precisely about fixing the world, we need to understand that there are situations where letting go is the right thing to do.  As managers, how many times are our employees are asking us to solve a problem, and we feel that only our intervention will get the problem solved? When we do that on a regular basis, we interfere with our employees’ ability to take care of business themselves. We increase their dependency on us, leading to a vicious cycle where we are always needed.

What I learned in Camp Ramah was that "Growing pains" are not only physical but emotional too. Sometimes, the real growth and development comes from experiencing a challenge and overcoming it. People are by far better off solving their own problems and sticking to these solutions long term. Even when our guidance is being asked, sometimes a "it’s not my business – it’s yours" mindset is the right guidance for a team.

So, who do you need to tell (kindly, of course) to mind their business? 

The Chicken or the Egg

By Jane Stein

So, which comes first: the money or the mission?  “Why, the mission of course” you answer ever so confidently.  

But are you sure?

Let’s think about this.  How many of you have had a really, really, really good idea for a new program, project or maybe even a whole new nonprofit organization?  I see a few hands going up back there in the audience.  Good for you: idea first.  And then what happened?

Maybe you went to the Board of your JCC or Federation.  Maybe you went to the program chair, the executive director, your puppy.  And what was said to you in response to your really, really, really good idea?? (Woof does not count here)  Great idea! Go find the money and we will move right ahead with it.

What happened next?  My guess is that you stuffed that really, really, really good idea right back into your brain and said something to yourself like “I will do that just as soon as I win the Lottery”.  And you might have even gone out and bought three lottery tickets to insure that you would be able to implement your really, really, good idea.

I work with a lot of nonprofit organizations, both Jewish and non-Jewish.  And I hear a lot of really, really, really good ideas.  I teach classes on building and running nonprofit organizations and I hear a lot of really, really, really good ideas.  And I always say, “What a really, really, really good idea!  How are you going to pay for that?” Now I have many students who say to me “my idea is soooo good that G-d will provide” and we will be up and running very soon.

And to them -- and to everyone else -- and to you, too -- I say “NO MONEY – NO MISSION!”

Raising money, most folks say, is NOT EASY.  I think that is because those same folks are thinking “Let’s do a wallk/run” or “Let’s do a big gala” or my personal favorite “Let’s do a golf tournament”.  And believe you me, this is NOT the way to get that really, really, really good idea funded.  Special events fund raising is time consuming (how many of you have spent 21 ½ hours stuffing goodie bags?), volunteer draining (did you know it takes approximately 932 volunteers to run a run?), dependent on the weather (did I tell you the one about the monsoon over Virginia Beach during our Great Dig for Cystic Fibrosis?), your region’s calendar of special events (I know you checked to see what was happening in the Jewish world that day, but did you know that the Foodbank, Habitat for Humanity, Special Olympics and the American Cancer Society were all holding events that day?  Didn’t think so.  Did you know that it is really, really, really hard to raise money for a special event if you have no major sponsors to cover the expenses and all of your participants are participating somewhere else? (But more about the raising of major sponsors in a later blog)

It is really, really, really quite simple.  The best way to get your really, really, really good idea to become a reality is to begin at the beginning and start to build some really, really, really good relationships with the folks in your community who have three attributes: 1 – a philanthropic soul, 2 – the money to do something with that philanthropic soul and 3 – a wonderful group of friends/acquaintances/business buddies who love and trust them.  And that is where the money for your mission will best be found.

So, next time you have a really, really, really good idea, read my blogs! Because over the next few months they are going to be full of ways to raise money without the worries, stress, aggravation or hassle, or as we would say in Yiddish, all the tsuris!